Time for a Change

I’ve been struggling with deciding what to do with this blog. Gone are the life coach days. I’m not currently promoting a book (though I will be in the future) nor am I promoting an online class.

Instead, I’m making art. I’m living life. I’m showing my work (and my youngest son’s work) in a local gallery. I’m teaching local paint nights. I’m working as an administrative assistant, I’m doing some freelance social media.

So why a blog? I have been struggling with justifying it, but you know what? I’m just going to be me. I’m sure I’ll share some of my work, and if at any point you want to buy some art, let me know. But this outlet is needed for me.

I will likely leave posts intact for now. No purge for me. Yet. I’ve always been a fan of the knowledge that every single thing that’s happened in my life has made me who I am.  That includes life coaching, sharing the experience when my ex husband committed suicide, talking about my Artist Empowerment Classes, about grief, about my Dad and his photography. It’s all me.  And right now, I feel like I’m an artist.

That’s a huge statement for me. I am an artist. I’d be a fraud if I didn’t tell you that that statement comes after about 6 months of the deepest depression of my life. It was not only the deepest, but the longest period of depression I’ve struggled with. There were days I didn’t know if I would make it. There were many days that I didn’t know if any of it was worth it. My entire world went grey, and there were days that I didn’t even want to get out of bed. I always did, but it was robotic. My emotions receded, I was hard to reach. I was never suicidal, but I would not have fought to live.

Then I had a very bad night where it was shown to me the effect all this was having on those around me. Did I mention it was a very bad night? Yeah… the worst. And it was a huge wake up call. I decided that I was going to fake it til I made it. I decided that it was absolutely no one else’s job to save me. As a result, I decided to stop sharing the darkness, and pretend that everything was alright.

Would I recommend that to everyone? No. But for where I was at the time, it worked. Let me pause for a moment and say if you are depressed, especially if you have any thoughts of suicide, get help.

So, here I was, with a new decision. Thankfully, that decision was perfect for me. I was able to choose to be happier, and to put on a happy face. Before I get all the hate mail, let me assure you that I’m not recommending this for anyone else. I am extremely honest with myself and I knew that I wasn’t suicidal. Just severely depressed. Had I been suicidal, I would have sought help.

My hope is to strengthen every single day.  To live this life to it’s fullest, and always do what’s best for me. So far it’s working, and every day I’m thankful that my life has color in it again and isn’t just grey.  I will be sharing some art work, but I think for now I’ll just send this out there… on a wing and a prayer.

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